Becoming the boss of my own busyness
Somewhere in my history
We decided to be busy
We decided to be busy till we die
But I don't want that life
-Leah Nobel, Coffee Sunday NYT
it’s okay that only a few things are in focus at a time
“School is your job.” This was told to me as a child by well-meaning adults all around me. I learned this at a young age, and before college, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t function like I fully believed it. Because school was being likened to the mighty importance of a job, I began building up what a job meant. It was the end-all-be-all.
By the time I started my career, I was totally indoctrinated. I gave it everything. “If I’m going to do something, I should do it to the very best of my ability”, I thought. Then oftentimes I pushed myself, “Is this really the very best that I can do? I should do more”. Throughout my career, this translated into long hours, working through meals, not taking breaks (or feeling guilty about taking them), eating poorly, and more.
A few months ago, I surprised myself when I said out loud, “If I am awake and it’s Monday through Friday, then I feel like I should be working.”
That was a pivotal moment.
To be clear, my unhealthy habits were not the doing of any of the workplaces that I’ve been in, nor any of my managers. In fact, the job I recently left was supportive and encouraging of spending time away from work. Not just in the corporate way but when it came down to it, I knew that if I worked normal hours and deadlines slipped as a result of prioritizing my work-life balance, that would be okay.
I’ve been in this no-job season for about 2 months now and I’m still figuring out how to quit being so busy. Immediately, I threw myself into projects (some fun, some chore-like) - exercising regularly, baking, walking a couple miles a day, propagating plants, organizing the garage, painting, backing up an old computer, starting a blog (lol), and the list goes on. These aren’t bad things! But I packed my days full of activities, one after another, not allowing myself to slow down and enjoy them in the moment.
The busyness didn’t end when I resigned from my job. We can always find more to do at work, at home, or in any space.
Busyness has been a distraction in my life. It distracts me from being intentionally explorative, which sometimes looks like having a day with no plans to see what unfolds. It prevents me from discovering what matters most. It tricks me into believing that my productivity is what makes me valuable.
Busyness isn’t inherently bad, but it also isn’t a badge of honor. What I’m learning to believe and practice is that not everything is worth giving my “all” to. And I can’t give my “all” to the things that matter most if I’m otherwise distracted and I never give myself the chance to discover what those are.
Anyone else feeling this way?
